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With Your Arms Around Me

You're singing softly and I fade from memory and move on.

9/20/04 02:46 am - Too jumpy and self-referencing to go on the website...

I write about love quite often, because it does make up a lot of what I think and feel. I've even tried to understand love. Lately, I've come to realise that I will never understand it.

Ever since it I made my decision to return to college, I've had the feeling that I would end up in a relationship with one of the incoming CSH members. Well, I was right. Her name is Sarah, and it was something about her that captured me the moment I met her. We match so well it's almost frightening sometimes. Like I'm in a good dream that will soon end. I don't want this to end. I want it to be forever.

She has things in her past that might bother most people, or at least leave them confused. I've got things like that in my past. She has told me what she's done, and I've told her of my past. We know about each other's history, and neither one of us could care less. It's not yesterday that matters, it's today.

Even enjoying life as much as I do now, I still think about the future. Not about what would happen if we ever broke up, but how the rest of time will play out with us together. I never think about an ending. Even when Elizabeth and I were together, I didn't think about an ending. I go into this thinking it's forever. Because if you go on always keeping one foot out of the door, you'll never get anywhere. To quote High Fidelity, "It's suicide, in tiny, tiny increments."

A few days ago, I drove her to her home in Buffalo. I spent several hours there, where I met her parents, and they were informed of the fact that we are dating. I spent several hours there, and when it came time to leave, she walked to my car with me. It was a hard thing to say goodbye, even if it was only for two days. I never wanted to let her go. Even tonight, when she went to bed, I didn't want to remove my arms from around her. She didn't want to let go either.

Right now, I don't think I could be happier. My life is almost perfect at this point. The 'almost' is of my own doing, and I'm working on that.

9/4/04 12:28 am

Mute + Sarah.

That's all I'm going to say.

9/2/04 03:46 am

Today, gile got truly stupid.

Friday, while moving into my dorm room, I blew the radiator core on my car. I made it all the way, but I needed a new radiator. I still do.

Tonight, I took Sarah (see muteddenial if you can) to Buffalo to pick up a friend of hers. In my car. With the blown radiator. We made it there, but as soon as I got on the thruway to come back, the car gave out. NYS Thruway workers called a tow truck for us, and I started disassembling the radiator (to find the leak, which I did). They towed me up one exit for the tune of $60. By that time, the car had cooled enough for me to get it started again. We went to the nearest gas station, wherein I purchased two gallons of coolant, and fix-a-flat (the tire stuff). I sprayed the entire leaking area down with the fix-a-flat, and filled the radiator, which took nearly two gallons. The fix lasted 15 miles, but I wasn't stopping so I finished the trip. After coming back, we watched Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

A two-hour round trip took five-and-a-half.

Why do I do these things? Because I'm hopeless.

8/29/04 03:18 am

alcohol + paxil == great justice.

that is all.

8/25/04 05:23 pm - mrand hacking and my tastes in music

Lately, I've taken to manually selecting what songs to listen to, because pure random across my collection leads to harsh jumps into music I'd rather not hear played together.

iTunes has a rating system, and I probably could beat it into submission for the purpose I want, but it's not worth the effort. It would never work truly properly anyway. Half of my files are not ID3-tagged, and right now, they can only exist on the Octane's disks. The Mac doesn't have enough space.

Eventually, though, I do have to tag those files. Even my idea can't be easily implemented without them.

My idea is to keep a table of what artists should be played with each other (based on personal preference, of course). Based on that table, create a playlist. The playlist creator would randomly select a file, and look up the artist. It then chooses another file, trying to find an artist listed as 'compatible' with the previous artist.

Relationships exist, such as:
     Depeche Mode: Duran Duran, The Cure, Belle & Sebastian, REM
     Belle & Sebastian: Eels, Stereolab, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode

At least, in my case, nearly all of the music I have can be connected to each other in one way or another.

I think I need to start hacking on mrand to implement this. It should be simple to implement, but making the relationship list will take a long time and suck. Being able to tell mrand to play x number of songs, picked randomly from the entire collection, and ending up with music that flows would totally own.

Unless of course, I'm stupid and haven't found someone else who's implemented it already.

8/25/04 05:01 pm

A second untitled writing

I couldn't think of a good title to describe this. It's short, and it doesn't really say very much new. But you know how I am :)

8/19/04 11:42 pm - "Would you do it all again? Could you do it all again?"

Or so I thought it lived. It gave up the ghost last night. Now it just mocks me again (for the uninitiated, the original NewWorld rom alternates between a '?' and the Mac happy face when it can't find a boot disk). The hard drive cable looks sketchy, so a new one is on the way. Because it was an intermittent problem, a new logic board is on the way too.

To eat the cost of this damned machine, the Octane gets sold as soon as I get ahold of an IRIX install set. Which means in a touch over a week. Maybe two. My copies don't work. In fact, they're totally fucking useless. I hate you, IRIX (I tried imaging the disc in IRIX using dd(1). That no work.).

I just finished reading The Unix-Haters Handbook. An interesing read, to be certain. My gripe about tar being retarded was fully documented there.

When I saw the doctor on Monday, he said it could take up to two or three weeks for an effect to be really noticed. Try two days. Anyone who's seen me since I went on Paxil has noticed the difference. I like it.

Tomorrow's my last day at work. Rock. I had to knock down three cinder-block walls today (no easy feat with small hammers, I tell you). Tomorrow, it'll probably be more, plus any other heavy-duty destruction needs (well, it is something I'm really good at :-)).

Next week/this weekend, any and all work that the Eldorado needs gets done. I have a set of shocks for it, along with a kit to tie into the OEM air ride control (and I have to fix that, too). The driver's door needs disassembly and the window tightened into the track. The window tracks need lubrication and cleaning. It needs the 3000 mile oil change.

Maybe I should figure out the intermittent knocking noise too?

I have a stereo and speaker set coming my way for it, for free. I got it because of the hell I've been through working on that flippin' Intrepid. Which needs an engine harness. Or to be dropped off a cliff. Either works.

8/18/04 07:16 pm - "Come along, it's not too far away, I know."

The PowerBook lives again. The new drive arrived, and was recognised immediately by the system. So, I ordered 512MB RAM for it and a new wireless card. Because I don't like having more cables than necessary, and 192MB isn't cutting it at all in OS X. That memory goes to the WallStreet From Hell™ that I'll be working on in a week or two.

Why does Safari have an 'Undo' option in the Edit menu if it doesn't work on form fields? This is my second attempt because I did a nice accidental select-and-replace. No matter how much I smash Command-Z, it's not coming back. :(

8/17/04 07:46 pm - A modern-day Unix-Hater, I am.

I officially hate Unix as of now.

judas[~]>: tar -cvf mac.tar

The c should have been a t. For the un-knowing, the t switch lists all the files contained in the archive, whereas c creates a new archive. Even if you don't have any files to put in it, in which case you get a zero-length file.

-rw-r--r--    1 gile     user              0 Aug 17 19:44 mac.tar

To understand why I'm angry, mac.tar contained a full backup of the data on my PowerBook before the disks went crazy. I used to have a second copy on my BeOS PC, but that has since gone away (and been reinstalled with FreeBSD). Music, pictures, applications, and other sundry data that I felt was important.

Gone. Fuck you Unix. Specifically, fuck you, IRIX.

I hate to say it, but this is one place GNU got it right:

smegma[~]>: tar -cvf fun.tar
tar: Cowardly refusing to create an empty archive
Try `tar --help' for more information.

The shitty tar program I wrote long ago does this sanity check:

judas[~/work/dtar-012]>: ./dtar -cvf hate.tar
Files must be specified with -c or -r.
[help message deleted]

Sun, who usually does things just as assbackwards as SGI in the software respect, even got this one:

fury[~]>: tar -cvf spunk.tar
tar: Missing filenames

Why did SGI fuck this little bit up? Why does the hardware rock, yet the software suck so bad?

Oh yeah, that's right, UNIX SUCKS.

8/17/04 07:30 am - It's an odd thing, being a free user...

I guess it's a good thing I didn't ask about going to Summer Camping. Turns out that anti-depressant medication doesn't mix so well with alcohol. As you might have gleaned from the previous statement, I had my appointment with the doctor today. Wherein he confirimed that I do indeed have depression, and (with my permission) put me on Paxil. Whee!

With calyx, I have decided to mostly forego a client library. What, you ask, will the application authors create their interfaces in? That's a simple answer, though. Postscript.

For those that understand what it means, I'm reimplementing NeWS. Only, I think I can make it better. But it'll still have the extensibility that NeWS had. And if I play it just right, I can get network transparency for free. That in particular isn't a very important function (really, how often do you run remote X11 apps? compared to the number of apps you run?), but it's nice. And it'll be better than X. (Though, shitting on a plate is better than X.)

1. This is what NeWS (in this case, SGI's 4Sight) gave us in 1988
2. This is what X11 (SGI's IMD — for consistency and effect) gives us today
Which is worse?

I am amused by these happeningsCollapse )
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